In 8 days, my son will be moving with his dad to New Mexico. He is 15, and a twin, and is 'searching for himself.' I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I listen to a song by Blue October,"Hate Me Today," because I feel it is him singing that to me. I love that kid, even though we drive each other nuts. I am sure it will be more peaceful at home now...but with the bad came the good, and that boy could make me smile (and scream) faster than anyone. I am mourning the loss of seeing him grow up.
If tears were heavy, I would have lost 20 pounds this week alone. Why won't this knot leave my throat? It makes it hard for me to breathe. and talk. I can't speak to him without my voice cracking. Then come the tears. He tells me not to cry, that is isn't my fault. How can it NOT be? He wishes he were an only child. We did not choose to have twins-God made that decision 15 years ago. His little sister was a surprise for all of us.
I miss him already. I pray for strength and grace.
2 comments:
For my baby,
If there were a way I could take on all the pain you feel; it would already be done. Know that I am and forever will be yours, and with you every step of the way. My heart cries.The pain I feel rips me from top to bottom because of what our son is going through, and from a whole in your heart that I can not repair. He loves you with all of his heart, of that I have no doubt. We have to let him have space, allow him to be him.But along with that he will also find that the strength and love of our family is where he was to begin with. I love you so very much...I am here with you.Our family is full of love and strength.
Hey there clucky,
The Topiary Cow LOVES the new look blog. Also glad that it was updated.
Saw that you, against all odds, got a good dialog going with MR today. Guess you have broken the curse.
Your photo is very pretty---but, you could use a Topiary Tattoo, couldn't you? Haha.
Anyway...sorry about your son leaving. But The Topiary Cow recommends a line from a very good movie, starring Clive Owen, called The Croupier. The line is:
"Hold on tightly. Let go lightly."
15 is pretty young and he probably just wants to experience some different stuff. Or maybe he'll meet some girls there, or is hoping he will. Maybe it's not about you at all.
But, The Topiary Cow does feel sorry for you that you are upset, and offers you a nice green bushy branch of perfectly trimmed topiary to cheer you up!
And just think, remember that thing about the grass always being greener on the other side? Once he finds out living someplace else isn't the paradise he thought, he may be clamoring to come back!
Thanks for the tip on Felder Rushings column, and best wishes for 2007---hope it is a clucky, and more cheerful than it looks right now, year for you!
Moo!
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