Chirren

I still can't believe I'm knockin' on forty's door...heeey, heeey, hey,hey, hey...

I went into the office today for a little while to sort through the mail, fax some stuff, just basically check on things. The tattletale came in and made herself at home-as usual. She's single, never married, no kids...almost 50. Definitely crazy cat lady in the making...oh hell, she already IS a crazy cat lady. Anyway, somehow we started talking about kids. The stories about those who adopt after exhausting every kind of infertility treatment, only to becomg pregnant almost immediately; those who wanted more so they took care of foster kids-then nearly died of grief when they were returned to their families. She did not talk of her own feelings towards kids...but considering her age and her battle with cancer a few years ago, she has settled for cats. (Seriously-she has more than I!)

I thought of all my babies...the first one lost at 14 weeks the day before my grandmother died. How much we cried and how bad we wanted that baby. She was anencephalic. God made a decision I would never have been able to and saved me from (most of ) the guilt. It also reinforced our determination to have a child. We had tried for over a year...it was so wonderful to just wake up and get up without that thermometer.

My doc said for us to wait a couple of months and try again. He was quite the S.O.B.-cold and callous, not taking us seriously, and very nonchalant (and looked just like the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off). Forgive me for still being pissed almost 20 years later, but a young woman who is bleeding so much she leaves a trail from ultrasound to your office is not something to be taken lightly. Since they couldn't see anything on ultrasound (which was horrible because they filled my bladder with 2 liters of fluid!), they assumed I had 'passed it' and would 'have a heavy period.' The next day I went to work..then to lunch. While wandering through a store, I passed out. When I woke up and got steady enough to walk, I went back to my office. Lo and behold-that's when I discovered I had then 'passed it'. That was the most lonely and sad feeling, to actually see your baby that never had a chance. We named her Hope. This was back in the day when everyone was making the flop-eared rabbits. Someone gave me one at that time..we named it Hope and she stayed by my bed for years.

Ah...the boys. Well...the two months was up, and we were staying in a cabin at Holmes County State Park. The Halloween full moon worked it's magic, and three weeks later we discovered that we were again expecting. By Christmas, I was in full blown maternity clothes. My doc asked me over and over about my dates, because 'something wasn't right' and he wanted an ultrasound. OH SHIT, NOT AGAIN. I was terrified. The last one I had was to tell me my baby was dead....why did I need one this time???

During the ultrasound, which was January 4, 1991-the 5 year anniversary of our relationship-I made some comment to the tech about my husband wanting twins. I was being honest-every night since I told him I THOUGHT I was pregnant, he had gotten on his knees by our bed and prayed for twins. (He apparently had a direct line to The Big Man as his wish came true.) Anyway, the tech let me go to the bathroom (YIPPEE) but when I come out there was a very serious man sitting at the ultrasound machine. I lay down on the table again and he does a quick scan. He, personally, went to the waiting room to get hubby. When he sat back down, he asked if we liked to sleep late on the weekends..if we liked to read..and if wanted to see the baby..well YES! So he turns the moniter around and shows us a spine, a heartbeat...then asked if we wanted to see our OTHER baby. Hubby screamed "Thank You GOD!" and I was (for once) speechless! There was the other spine, the other heart. (Turns out the serious man was the radiologist and at the time, the father of 2 yr old twins!) *They were monoamniotic and monochorionic-as closed to conjoined (Siamese) twins as it gets without attachment to each other. There is a 14 day window where the egg can split, so after my husband bugging God for almost 2 weeks, He said "OKAY! SPLIT, DAMMIT!" at around 13 days!

My mom & stepdad (but more like my daddy!) were living in Maryland at the time. It took all of 2 weeks for us to find a house for them in the next town (don't want them too close! Ha!), which they bought sight unseen. It was an old house with high ceilings, but Daddy was a carpenter and was looking forward to remodeling! They came home and I was standing on their front porch, in profile, already looking 6 months pregnant. Daddy almost passed out. He worked his butt off on that house, and just 3 months later it was finished. He and mom went to Disneyworld to celebrate...and a week after their trip found out he had inoperable lung cancer that had spread to his brain.

I was 8 months pregnant when we found out about Daddy's cancer. I was doing the 'rotate through the group to see all the docs' stuff when I went for that next appt. Of course, I had been going every week for a month by then. I got in that office and cried my heart out. Another asshole doc telling me 'I need to get a grip' was not what I needed to hear. My husband and I wrote a letter to the doctor and the clinic begging for an early c/sec. Twins are usually born at 37 weeks anyway, and Daddy wouldn't start treatment until I had them. God, the GUILT. Of course, they refused, saying that I would have them 'any minute.' Well...la de freakin' da...someone forgot to tell my CERVIX~!

Pre-eclampsia decided to join the party at 37 weeks. I gained 12 pounds in a WEEK. Of course, this was before I was a nurse, so I was oblivious. I knew my ankles were GONE, and I couldn't get my foot in a size 11-I wore an 8.5 before I got pregnant. Contractions all the TIME. Guess what? Me no dilate~! All that arguing with my doc for a normal birth, and my body gives me the finger. I go to the doc, and every time I have to lay on my left side for 20 minutes so they can recheck my BP. CLUE-LESS!!!

We went to the doc for my 40 week checkup...that's well-done in prenatal terms, mmmk? That's BURNT for twins...and the doc REFUSED to induce me. (Clue-less!) My too-mild-mannered husband goes over the desk and grabs the doc by the neck and REMINDS HIM that my dad is dying every day he doesn't let me have my babies. I was shocked!!! So was the doc...and we suddenly had an appt to come back on Monday if I hadn't gone in labor before then to set up a c/section. This was on Thursday.

Tuesday morning, at 9:35:04 and 9:35:52, Matt & Cody come screaming into the world. My BP was 210/180...and as soon as they were out, they knocked me out. Cody had issues (of course! He STILL does!) with his O2, so they were whisked off to the nursery with their dad. I finally held Matt at 4 that afternoon, and Cody at 2 in the morning. I was convinced 1 had died, and they were bringing me the same one over and over. Finally the next day, I held both of them in my arms. wow.WOW.

Tuesday afternoon also saw Daddy on his way to V.A. for radiation and chemo.

We buried him the day the boys turned 6 months old.

Wow,okay, I'm all vahklempt now...I'll finish this later. Talk amongst yourselves~