Unforgiven

Over and over, I listen to "Round Here" and question my reason for being. This is not a funny, happy story-it's pretty messed up, so feel free to click on to something light-hearted. My light heart has taken a hiatus, and it really needs to get back here before something stupid happens. This is disturbing even to me, but I feel I must exorcise this demon before it kills me.

The Man and I were wrestling in the bed a couple of weeks ago and he straddled me and pinned my arms to my sides. OH DEAR GOD. I couldn't breathe-I couldn't make a sound or move. For half an hour, I was paralyzed and a kid again.

From as young as I can remember until I was around 11 or 12, I was molested. Daily at times. My stepdad caught the molester and almost beat him to death when I was 5-but my mother stopped him. After all, it was her oldest son. Yeah, my big brother who is 10 years older than me. The now-alcoholic who took beatings from his dad and stepdad and has no self-esteem at all. I cannot forgive him, and have let him know if he EVER touches any of my kids, I will kill him. And he believes me.

The "He was just a kid" excuse is bullshit. I HATE HIM with every part of my being.

I had episodes with my first husband that took me years to explain to him why I would freak out.

I tried to kill myself when I was a teenager after being raped by a 'boyfriend.' I went to therapy for a few months which made me flunk Chemistry, but I never told the therapist about being molested.

Last week at my regular doctor visit, I lost it. My doc is old-80 or 81-and goes to church with my mother. I told him about it, how long, who, etc and he said "Your mother must not have known." When I told him what happened when he got caught, the doc cried with me.

I can't talk to my mother. She lives right next door to me. Several years ago at Christmas, I confronted my mother and my brother. (Such lovely holiday memories!) He said he was sorry and mom just sat there and cried-and later called me a liar. A few months later he showed up at mom's drunk as a dog. As soon as he started toward my house, I charged him and knocked him to the ground and kicked and beat the shit out of him. My husband was a paramedic and was at work and heard the scanner call for a disturbance at our address. He had to pull me off of my brother-who never tried to fight back or protect himself. Which is good, because I would have killed him.

I stay here because I am the only responsible child she has. She is diabetic and getting dementia. She barges in my house to scream at me or my kids. It takes everything I have not to just leave. But I know she will need me to wipe her ass one day, and no one else will do it. The brother is over there daily. His emaciated body makes me sick. The last time we spoke was when the heart stuff started. He came in my house, drunk and crying because 'I was gonna die.' (?) I pushed him out and told him to NEVER set foot on my property again.

My sister calls me wonderful and brave and oh so caring for staying so close to mother. I tell her what a bitch she is for moving off and leaving me with her. But I don't blame her-our dad raped her when she was 13, and mother did nothing.

How am I supposed to forgive her? I look at her now and just feel rage.